The Hallway

Its the first thing I remembered.  A hallway with closet doors/pantry style lining the sides.  Two bedrooms at the end a bathroom in the middle and another bedroom behind me.

I hated walking that hallway.  I was always dressed in some cute little princess pajama dress or outfit.  I had medium length soft blonde hair, my big blue eyes always felt sullen.  I don't remember every being happy walking down that hallway.

My father would take my hand and lead me to the bedroom where he would tuck me in for the night.  I would imagine the different cupboard doors as magical doors that would lead out of the hallway to far off places.

Places that I could escape to.  In my mind I never made it to the bedroom.  Most of the time the walk down the hall was the beginning of the disassociation I would experience in order to guard my heart and spirit from what was sure to follow.

My eyes would be shut tight so I couldn't see his face.  My jaw clenched tightly as I lay rigid in the bed, terrified, ashamed, disgusted.  He would force his hands between my legs and they were rough.  The hands of a carpenter.  Hands that didn't care or concern themselves with the innocence they were violating.

I would watch from above, hovering over the scene as if free from it entirely.  Floating above in the ceiling and clinging to the warmth that I gravitated toward.  That warmth which I have come to know as God - him allowing me to seek refuge in his arms as the earthly father that had been entrusted with offered his own perverse form of comfort.

I don't know how many times this happened.  I don't remember much between the ages of 2-4 when I feel like this earliest memory is from...my entire life through age 7 is a bit foggy in terms of all the stressful situations I encountered.  Most of the memories I have locked away, until now.   Until now where I am taking that step of desperate courage - to allow myself to relive the horror and process the events of my childhood.

This is where the story starts.  I wish it was all there was to say.  But there is more.

Alone in the Dark

The downward spiral seems inevitable.  I find myself sinking further into a dark and scary place.  I feel unglued.  Unhinged.

The less I fight, the more I feel engulfed by my pain.  By my fear.  How does one tell the story of their own destruction?

I was 2 years old.  I was too young to remember.  But I remember now.  I remember the yelling.  The violence.  I remember being afraid.

I remember my earliest thoughts of not wanting to exist.  I wanted it all to end.  I just couldn't understand the reason I was given life - a life filled with death.

From the moment I could hold my breath I began to hold it.  I began to stop breathing - as if my life would leave me and I'd instantly be transported somewhere else.  Detached from myself - there I was suspended in time and reality.  

In those moments - on the edge of the chasm of emptiness - I'd feel free.  Free to dance.  Free to smile.  Free to exist.

I don't like that place anymore.  Its cold and dark, empty and alone.  I don't like feeling like I have to go there to escape the fear... the fear that grips me when I exhale.

Unfamiliar Place

I'm in an unfamiliar place in my walk with the Lord.  Not really a wavering of faith in any way, but just an uncertain place - a necessary place.  I've been dealing with a lot of issues from experiences I had as a child.

I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - and lately its gone from a once in a while struggle against depression to a more frequent state of fear and panic.  I've never been one to struggle with anxiety at this level.   

That being said, it's actually a good sign of forward progress for me.  For the past 4, almost 5 years I've been very intentional about processing the events of the past that have stood in the way of becoming the woman God created me to be.  Sometimes I don't recognize myself - that can be a good thing and sometimes not so good as well.  

Truth be told, I often feel like I'm running full speed toward an unknown destination, desperately - but without a map.  I find myself lost often - trying to figure out where I've gone wrong - or how to get back to the safety of the right path.  I've realized that in those times that I feel the most lost and the most confused, God is there to remind me He is still with me - that He hasn't lost me.  And I cling to those reminders for dear life, because I tend to doubt that He is still there in the midst of the pain and confusion I'm experiencing.

I have been really feeling led by God to join Him in the valley for a while.  The problem is, I'm somewhat terrified of going there - so I tend to make myself too busy to be obedient.  My excuses are so easily justified - I mean, I have a 2 year old in the thick of the "Terrific" Two's :)  and a husband who is very unavailable while studying for his CPA - which leaves me to handle 90% of the household management - so I'm "too tired, too busy, too weary", etc. to carve out the necessary time for this journey.  

I'm praying that:

• I would have the courage to be obedient during this time, wholeheartedly opening my heart, mind and soul - to follow/seek God while encountering some of the darker parts of my soul so He can do His healing work.
• My husband and daughter would be miraculously understanding, patient and gentle with me, allowing for me to not be overwhelmed by their needs, and the daily maintenance of our life.

What does this valley look like for me?  I'll be spending a lot of my evening time and weekend time - meditating on God's word, processing the events of the past (a lot of writing and journaling), and praying. 

Shake It Out Florence + The Machine